Freedom in an Apple Field

Today was one of those days where my phone would not stop ringing… fortunately we were not in any hospitals or doctors but the schedulers for all kinds of doctors kept calling in preparation for a few big tests next week as well as struggling to attempt to set up logistics for some future traveling appointments that just aren’t coming together. One of the tasks they added to my to do list is to write the story for each of the boys down in a concise tale enlightening a new team of doctors to the boys’ health struggles over the past two to three years. Until I sat down to write it I didn’t realize how overwhelming and challenging and emotional it would be. I feel such a responsibility as their daily beholder and advocate to make sure I include all of the pertinent details while being brief enough to captivate and sustain their attention and conjure the appropriate level of concern without sounding like an overdramatic frantic alarmist in discussing the medical facts interlaced with the fears and pain my children have endured with their illnesses. I will write and edit and rewrite until it is just the way I think it needs to be to give their story the most clear, concise, and factually accurate account along with a concerned but strong voice. And then I will pray it will speak to the doctors reading it and someone will take it on as their personal mission to want to determine the root cause!

However, it is exhausting and sometimes I just need a day off. With food allergies you never really get a break like that. You can try to take a break but every few hours my kids ask for food and I have to be ready with something for them.  Seeing as their allergies are airborne and tactile as well their environment has to constantly be controlled too!  I am always that helicopter mom hovering and watching what they are touching and what they might be putting in their mouths just a little closer than the rest of the other moms at the playground.

Recently I have felt like I’ve had to say ‘no’ a lot to the boys. More than I used to. And not just ‘no’  but ‘you can’t have that’ and that breaks my heart. And not just away from our house but with my son’s complete removal of all corn products and derivatives I have not yet gotten our kitchen back to a state of complete safety for him. His brother and Dad still eat things that he can’t. I pretty much stick to their diets but more probably from Mommy guilt and a labeling of the food of poison in my head. It’s too hard for me to have to tell one child they can’t have what I or what their brother is eating and then watch to make sure there is no accidental exposure. So for my own sanity I avoid it as much as possible! We have always kept anything milk and egg that the boys are anaphylactic to in our basement kitchenette and refrigerator to prevent accidents with our babysitters and other caregivers. In the process it also created not only a safe but also a ‘yes’ environment where I didn’t have to say no to things in our own kitchen due to their allergies. We need to get back there again – and fast!!

More than just in our house – I for a few hours found freedom… I was a normal mom and only worrying about normal mom things!! It was a gorgeous fall day and I took the kids to an apple orchard. We ran around those apple trees and I didn’t have to worry about what they were touching. I didn’t have to worry about contaminated surfaces. It was a weekday and the kids heard a rooster crowing so we chased the sound to some far rows of trees back in a back corner of the orchard where no one else was. We never found that rooster but there was a dog running around on the other side of the fence that distracted them enough to stop our search. Anyway it was just the 3 of us in the field of apple trees… My baby just wanted to sample all the different kinds of apples and it was amazingly liberating that whatever he asked if he could eat that I could say YES to!! My older son liked throwing the apples and picking all the field flowers and clovers he could find and give them to me.  He has such a sweet and tender heart! The only NO was touching the big wire fence that hugged the perimeter of the orchard for fear of getting cut but any mom would have to say no to that one! We spent hours there. I took so many pictures of their smiling faces!  And the only thing that reminded me I was an allergy mom in that moment was the Auvi-Q epinephrine injector in my pocket. Otherwise I was just a mom. Having a blast with her boys. Like everyone else. Forgetting about all the other stuff in the world for a few short hours. And today I need that memory while I sort through the details of these past 3 years as an allergy mom. Because my goal in the poking and prodding and getting them to the doctors visits when they are healthy in our quest for answers is to be able to create more normal experiences for them like this… Normal kids who can do normal things… For today apple picking was a wonderfully fun memory we will cherish!